Survivor: Black Jewels Style
by HonourTOne
Summary: A twist on BJT and Survivor, with Saetan as our host. Who can out-jewel, out-annoy, and out-last their fellow contestants? Well, you're the voters; experience the alliances, the romance, and the fights.
1. Day 1

Disclaimer: I don't own BJT, Survivor.

AN: first attempt at a parody; please review.

As the shooting of the show starts, we hear the traditional Survivor music theme, ending finally as Saetan walks on screen. He looks rather hot and uncomfortable in his expensive, tailored black suit, apparently not aware what he was getting into when he signed his contract. Coughing, he begins.

"Welcome to Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy edition, where the players have to out jewel, out annoy (shouldn't be too difficult), and out last one another. I am your host, so let's begin. I have divided our contestants into two teams: the Light Team from the Realm of Light, Terrielle, and the Shadow Team, from the Shadow Realm, Kaeleer."

Some where off screen: "Real original, Saetan…" Laughter then breaks out, shortly followed by a very annoyed looking Saetan. Walking off screen, the show is quickly taken to a commercial break.

As the show comes back on after five minutes of commercials, we find Saetan clutching a club and bottle of whiskey, apparently trying, in vain, to get drunk.

"Okay, let's meet our pitiful teams that are to face my wrath for the next few weeks." An evil smirk passes over his face, though is quickly put out by tittering from the crew members. Like this old man looked scary.

Calling in his jewels, the laughter stopped. Narrowing his gaze, Saetan takes a swing of whiskey and continues. "Right, Light Team first." About to read off the first name, Saetan squints his eyes to make sure he read correctly. Groaning, he shakes his head.

"This can't be right." A crew member walks on the set and whispers something in his ear while showing him a paper on the clip board. Grumbling, Saetan shoves her off screen.

"Fine, fine. Our first contestant is my own bitchy ex-wife, Hekatah."

Hekatah comes running on screen, not looking too happy, with a rather large knife in hand. "Why you 'frolicking batter.'!" Thank goodness for quick censoring.

The camera drops to the ground, soon followed by someone screaming, "RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

The screen is soon replaced by a 'technical difficulties screen' shortly followed by elevator music.

As the show starts up again, once more, we see Saetan nursing a knife wound and rather annoying left eye twitch. "I can't believe I agreed to this," he mutters.

Finishing off the bottle of whiskey, Saetan throws it to the floor. "Next, please welcome the schemer herself, Dorothea."

Dorothea comes on screen, waving and smiling; but when no one applauds, she suddenly starts giving off dirty looks threatening a slow, painful death. Applause is soon heard off screen from the frightened crew members.

Rolling his eyes, Saetan mysteriously takes a drink from a bottle that appeared out of nowhere. "Now, please welcome everyone's favorite bastard-Kartane!"

Off screen somewhere: "Uh, I believe everyone's favorite bastard is Daemon."

Off screen somewhere: "Shut it, Prick!"

Off screen somewhere: A rather loud slap. "Ow!" More name calling.

Looking utterly pissed, Saetan hisses, finishing off the new bottle. "Someone shut them up so we can finish this Hellish episode."

Kartane then walks on, slightly confused, with Robert at his side.

Eyes widening, Saetan pulls the program out of his back pocket, and flips through it. "Hey, wait a second. Robert, you're not even supposed to be on this show."

Robert looked a bit taken back. "But me and Kartane are buddies; we stick together."

Silence.

Kartane, eyes widening, laughs nervously. "Oh no, we're not _those_ kind of buddies."

Silence.

Suddenly, two hobbits and a ringwraith come charging on screen; Robert is delivered a knife between the ribs and dies almost instantly….unfortunately for the ratings. A slow painful death would have been much better.

Slapping his hand against his forehead, Saetan sighs. "Someone tell Peter Jackson to keep his actors off my set."

Shaking his head, Saetan just continues on. "So much for that problem. Someone clean up this mess."

Crew members are already wandering around in the back, trying to drag Robert's body off.

Saetan, smiling rather pleasantly at the idea he would get to torture these people for a few weeks, nods at the crew people mouthing words to him.

"Yes…I have just been informed we are going to have another commercial break."

When the commercials finally end, we are greeted once again by Saetan, trying to appear oblivious to the remaining smoke filling the air from a fire apparently already put out. Where did that fire come from? Who knows.

Smiling rather forcefully, Saetan continues. "Our next vict-er…contestant is a personal favorite demon dead kinda guy of mine. Please welcome Greer."

Greer walks out, waving, hoping no one would realize he's wearing a dress.

Silence.

Blinking, Greer tries to explain. "Look, the costume department on this show is too cheap to give me a proper outfit."

"Yes," Saetan says looking back into the camera, "I can already predict who's going first on that team."

In the back, Dorothea and Hekatah smirk at one another; surprising alliance, no?

"Finally, our final contestants are the triple threat: Alexandra, Leland, and Phillip..Mother night I hate this team…"

All three walk on, Alexandra especially giving him dirty looks.

Saetan rolls his eyes. "Oh just go away you old bat."

"OLD 'FROLICKING' BAT!" Alexandra charges at him and kicks him where the sun don't shine.

Saetan falls over, looking painfully into the camera. "Medic!"

-Technical Difficulties Screen-

"Welcome back." Saetan sits in a lawn chair, holding an ice pack to keep the swelling down. He looks rather in pain and like he wants to kill something.

"Hell's fire, the other team hasn't even come on yet, and fighting has already started…."

Off screen somewhere: "Ya big pansy!"

Saetan just runs his hand over his face shaking his head.

(Cue Survivor theme music) Next time on Survivor:

Will the first episode ever end?

Will Saetan be attacked any further?

How will the teams survive one another-let alone their first challenge?

Tune in next time for Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy edition.


	2. Still Day 1

Thanks for all the reviews; I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.

The Survivor theme music starts up as the camera zooms over a misty mountain, looking gloomy yet panoramic. Upon zooming in on a landing about three fourths of the ways up the mountain, we once again are greeted by the sight of Saetan. Dressed this time in a pair of rugged pants, a white shirt, and climbing boots, he doesn't look all too happy with the costume department.

Trying to sound perky for this episode, he starts off. "Welcome to Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy Edition, where the contestants have to out jewel-"

Saetan is cut off from somewhere off screen: "We've got the idea, fat head." Snickering then commences.

Saetan rolls his eyes in an attempt to control his temper, lest the producers go psycho on him once more. The last episode had more time for commercials than actual Survivor material, much to the amusement of the Light Team.

"Last time on Survivor-"

Somewhere off screen: "…you were a terrible host."

Ignoring the sounds of laughter and high fives being given, Saetan takes a deep breath, clasping his hands tightly in front of him. Looking evilly at the camera, he continues: "Let's just finish this 'frolicking' episode."

A crew member subtly walks on screen to tell him quietly not to say anymore obscenities. Shoving her off without even looking, Saetan squints his eyes.

"Away from me, woman. First, on the Shadow Team, please welcome my lovely daughter Jaenelle."

Jaenelle walks on screen, smiling and dressed in a blue sweater and a faded pair of pants. Saetan smiles at her for a moment before looking back into the camera, oblivious to the purring noises coming from Greer (directed at Jaenelle) from behind him.

"Next, my pain in the arse son, Dae-"

Daemon comes running on screen, running over Saetan and tackling Greer, forcing him to the ground as he strangles him with his bare hands. Banging his head on the ground, Greer begins to beg for mercy.

Saetan lies on the ground fraying his arms wildly. "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS. NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK….REALLY, WHY ARE YOU STILL ROLLING?"

Off screen, the crew members smile at one another, thankful that this will boost the ratings. Finally, they cut it off into a commercial break.

Commercial:

Tune it at 7:00 tomorrow for Good Morning Terrielle, for a special interview with Lorn, who has a few secrets to tell _us._

Shooting once more, the audience finds Daemon standing in the back, arms crossed threateningly. Jaenelle appears to be rolling her eyes as she studies her nails.

"Next," says Saetan "is my other pain in the arse son, Lucivar."

Lucivar walks on screen; in fact, he walks on from the wrong direction, backwards, just to be annoying.

"Like father, like son, eh?" He says smiling, raising his eyebrows. The audience is not surprised, then, to find that Lucivar is quickly shoved off screen by his rather annoyed looking father.

Stumbling back on screen, Lucivar joins Daemon in the back, intent on making more comments for revenge.

"Our next contestant is a beautiful young woman-"

From the back: "Saetan, nobody wants to hear about you."

"…whose name is Surreal," Saetan finishes with gritted teeth, pretending not to hear Lucivar.

Surreal comes walking boredly on screen, hands shoved in her pockets, not even looking into the camera. She didn't sign up for this; she was forced into this by her mother, the old bat; telling her to represent the Dae al Mon.

"FINALLY," Saetan says dropping to his knees, hands clasped above his head as he looks to the sky. "THE FIRST NORMAL ENTRANCE."

"Ahem," Jaenelle's voice comes from the back. "My entrance wasn't normal?"

"No, you attracted Greer's attention," Saetan said, standing up and brushing his pants off, smiling for once.

"Next, please welcome…ooh, I wasn't expecting this person. Our next contestant is none other than Titian herself."

Titian walks on screen, but is soon tackled by Surreal.

"YOU-TOLD-ME-TO-REPRESENT-THE-DEA-AL-MON-YET-HERE-YOU-ARE-YOU-LYING-'OAR'." The words came out halted in between the hitting and scratching and basic fighting as they rolled around on the ground.

Sighing, Saetan just shakes his head. "One moment of glory shut out for eternity…"

From the back: "Uh, I wouldn't say eternity."

"Hell's fire, why can't you just shut up you 'frolicking' winged thing?!"

After another quick commercial break, Saetan is once more in his lawn chair, eyeing the camera coolly.

"Our sixth contestant is the wonderful young witch, Karla-"

From the back: "I don't know what they have you reading from, but I know that's bull-"

"Thank you peanut gallery," Saetan hisses, groaning slightly at the idea of having to be stranded on a mountain with Karla for a few weeks.

Karla walks on screen, dressed in faded garments and bearing that wicked smile. Waving her fingers at Saetan, she coos, "Kiss kiss."

Walking nonchalantly to the back with her fellow team mates, Karla shoves her hands in her pocket, careful to avoid the gaze of the pissed off Surreal and Titian. Whistling slightly, she slowly walks up to Lucivar and kicks him where the sun don't shine. Smirking, she walks and stands beside Janelle, happy to see Lucivar fall to his knees groaning.

Smiling at the sound of Lucivar's pain, Saetan sighs out of relief. Only one more contestant to introduce.

"Finally, please welcome Falonar."

Falonar walks on screen, waving slightly, and doing relative boring things.

"Yes, I can already see whose going first from that team," Saetan says smirking, anticipating Falonar's shocked look.

Before he can say anything, however, the show is cut off and replaced with the Survivor theme music.

Next time on Survivor:

What alliances will form on each team?

Who will win the first challenge?

Will Saetan ever have his revenge?

Tune in next time for Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy edition.


	3. Day Two

Thankyou for the reviews; be sure to vote this time.

Disclaimer: It's official, I now own the Black Jewels Trilogy. So, cough, ahem, I own all of the below.

(not really…please don't sue me.)

Cue Survivor theme music. Cue the bodiless voice: "Welcome to Survivor, where the contestants have to out-jewel, out-annoy, and out-last one another. Last time on Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy style, we were introduced to the two sides, the Light Side and the Shadow Side."

The show then falls into clips from the previous two episodes. Presently…

The Light Camp

The camera zooms in on Kartane, whose currently hiding from his mother in the bushes. Nervous and sweating, he's trying to whisper inconspicuously.

"I don't want to be here. Let me go home." The camera people shake theirs heads swiftly. "Dorothea's going to use me, I know she will. I wish I had Robert." The camera people start snickering. Shaking the camera, Kartane begins to yell. "I'M SERIOUS. SHE'S A PSYCHO WHORE."

Parting the bushes behind him just then is none other than Dorothea and Hekatah, eyebrows arched evilly.

The camera then settles on Alexandra, Phillip and Leland, all seated around the would-be fire. Night was approaching fast and nothing was getting done.

Squinting her eyes, Alexandra eyes the camera. "What are we playing for? I mean, is there a prize?" The camera people shake their head; all three of them sigh.

"So," Phillip says, "Our only, um, purpose is to see who can put up with torture for several weeks the longest?" The camera people nod. Sighing, Phillip walks over to the bushes to cry with Kartane. Just then, however, Kartane comes running out of the bushes, shortly followed by Dorothea and Hekatah, all screaming.

Greer then walks on screen holding a popsicle, wondering what the hell is going on. A moment of silence elapses as everyone's eyes fall upon the popsicle. In the next moment, everyone tackles Greer and a large fight commences. Hekatah walks away with half of the popsicle intact, blowing her hair out of her face, mangled with leaves as it is. As everyone untangles themselves from the pile, all scratched up and wounded, they limp away to their own groups, throwing dirty looks at Hekatah in the process.

Zoom in on Greer.

"That whore has my popsicle."

Zoom in on Alexandra, Phillip, and Leland.

"That whore got the popsicle."

Phillip mutters. "The _orange_ flavored popsicle."

"Honestly, Phillip, just because you don't like orange flavored popsicles don't go shitting on my parade," Leland hisses, walking off to go and find a spider to slip into Phillip's bed that night.

Zoom in on Dorothea and Hekatah.

"Damn it. It's an _orange_ flavored popsicle."

Throws the popsicle in the bushes.

Zoom in on Kartane, crying in the bushes.

"Robert always loved orange flavored popsicles- Ow!"

Picks up the popsicle thrown at his head. Pounces off to go and find a spider to slip into Hekatah's bed.

15 minutes later.

All are gathered in a circle, 10 minutes from dusk.

Dorothea is seated under a little hut she constructed, sitting, in fact, on top of Kartane. Kartane, meanwhile, mutters about his cruel treatment. Hekatah is filing her nails on a little throne she made, being served grapes by Greer meanwhile.

"Right," she mutters. "Me and Dorothea had a meeting and decided that we should be the leaders."

The remaining three glare evilly at them, but are unable to challenge them.

Right about now, the show adds in the voices of the contestants talking about what they're thinking at the moment:

Dorothea-I wonder if I could poison Hekatah and then become the sole ruler. But how? I could use the poisonous spider I was going to slip in Alexandra's bed, but then I'd still be stuck with pain-in-the ass one. And we wouldn't out number them anymore…

Hekatah- I wonder if I could get Greer to seduce Kartane to my side. Then we could kill off Dorothea and I could become sole leader.

Kartane- Is that Greer winking at me? Oh yes, I still got it.

Greer- Dust in my contact lens. Must-blink-away-the-pain. Hey, is that Kartane winking at me?

Alexandra- I wonder if Dorothea knows that I slipped her poisonous spider in her bed.

Leland- Where the hell are all the spiders on this island? Hell's fire, is that Kartane winking at Greer?

Phillip- I wonder if Alexandra knows that I slipped the spider she slipped in Dorothea's in her bed instead.

"Right," say Hekatah finally. "You three go and get firewood; we'll decorate the team flag."

Rolling their eyes, Alexandra, Leland and Phillip get up.

Grumbling under her breath, Alexandra jabs a finger in their direction. "Sure you guys can handle arts and crafts hour?"

Hekatah starts mimicking her while Dorothea rolls her eyes. Greer starts eyeing the bushes, intent on looking for that popsicle the instant Hekatah looks away. Kartane, however, is the only one that appears happy. Sitting up suddenly, he knocks Dorothea into the bushes.

"Arts and Crafts?! They have that here? Lemme tell you, I have some mean finger painting skills. Robert taught me." Moment of silence.

Greer's eyebrows arch up. " 'Finger painting', eh?"

Dorothea sits up, with a giant black spider in her hair.

Leland dances in place. "Finally a spider."

Dorothea stands up quickly. "A spider? Where?"

Phillip crosses his arms, eyeing Dorothea. "I'd hate to point out the obvious, but spiders are native to islands of a tropical nature."

Dorothea runs around quickly trying to get the spider out. Hekatah stands up eyeing Phillip, speaking in a sarcastic tone. "What other islands are there besides tropical?"

Greer, who zoned out for a moment, suddenly narrows his eyes on them. "What about popsicles?"

"Tropical!" Both Hekatah and Phillip yell, before eyeing each other with mild smirks. Alexandra rolls her eyes and takes Leland with her to get firewood. Dorothea runs down to the pool of water to jump in. Kartane and Greer are sitting rather…er…close together making a team banner. And Philip and Hekatah are off in the bushes having a "meeting."

The Shadow Camp

Titian sits on a large rock, sharpening her rather large knives. Surreal and Falonar finally return from collecting firewood. Karla walks on screen with a pitcher of water. Lucivar begins to prepare the rabbits he caught for dinner, and Jaenelle and Daemon are putting the finishing touches on the hut they built for them all.

Yes, the perfection is enough to make you sick.

Luckily, the producers thought up a plan quickly, and it slowly begins to snow on their side of the mountain.

Surreal looks up, holding her hands out, eyeing the snow suspiciously. "I thought this was a tropical island?"

Lucivar looks up form his work over at her. "What about popsicles?"

"Popsicles!" Karla heads shoots up. "I would kill for an orange flavored popsicle."

At the word 'kill', Titian looks up threateningly for a moment before returning to her work. The remaining six eye each other warily.

As soon as the snow accumulates to several inches, the team splits up (minus Titian) and starts a snowball fight. Sighing, the producer give up on this side of the island.

The Challenge 

Saetan stands on the shores of the island, looking up at the mountain where the two teams were at. He was still ticked off at his wardrobe and hadn't had a very good day yesterday. Someone stole his orange flavored popsicles last night. On the plus side, he hadn't seen as many spiders as he expected to see.

It was still early in the morning, and both teams dragged their feet on the way down to the beach. Several the 'dumb' ones-as Saetan called them-were yawning, while the 'psycho' ones were rather alert and were perhaps carrying rather sharp weapons. The remainder appeared content, with the exception that they appeared to be plotting against their fellow contestants.

"Okay, guys, the first challenge is very simple. Four people from each team remain here with me. The remaining three will go down to the other end of the beach, one half mile away. Each contestant will run to the other side of the beach. On each end, there will be a challenge to complete. Once complete, the next person may go."

They all eyed him suspiciously. "So, uh, what's the catch?"

Saetan smiled gently, eyeing Hekatah specifically. They all shuddered. Fifteen minutes and one crying Kartane later, the players were set up. Saetan sat in his lawn chain, holding a glass of yarbarah, waiting to begin. Finally, some revenge. Not really good, painful revenge, but it would be a start. Signaling the game to start, the first two players started to run: Lucivar and Kartane. Lucivar, of course, beat Kartane to the other end. Once there, he was informed that his challenge was to pick from a trunk of clothes an outfit that matched and then he had to model it.

Lucivar, and the rest of the team groaned; Lucivar was horrible with fashion. Unable to receive help, he rummaged through the trunk, pulling out various clothes. When he finally put them on, Kartane finally finished reading the challenge. However, he actually seemed pleased, and well, um, rather giddy at the idea. Pouncing over to the trunk, he pulled out quite a lovely pink outfit. Lucivar came out from behind the screen where he could get dressed, and faced his teammates, who immediately fell over laughing. Sporting a rather lovely purple plaid skirt and high heels, he lagged in his stripped blue shirt. "What? I thought purple and blue matched?"

With the help of binoculars, Saetan was already rolling on the ground laughing hysterically.

Kartane came out from behind the screen in the pink outfit he selected, together with matching heels and hand bag. His teammates were a cross between sighing and being thankful. Passing the challenge, the next contestant from the Light Team took off: Dorothea. She reached the end before Lucivar finally pulled off a somewhat matching outfit. After him, Titian took off, moving fast and catching up just as Dorothea finished reading the challenge: to build a replica of the mountain out of toothpicks. Both contestants eyed the stack of toothpicks. After a nasty cat fight with quite a bit of slapping, Titian walked away with most of the glue and tooth picks. After several minutes of cussing and failures, they both pulled off half-decent mountain replicas.

The next contestants took off: Hekatah and Jaenelle. They reached the end at the same time, reading the challenge together: talk to kindred. "OH 'CRAP'!" Heketah hissed, narrowing her gaze at a waving Saetan in the distance. Jaenelle selected one of the blood puppies present and started talking to it, though it wasn't very obvious. Challenge, completed, Karla took off. Hekatah started thinking slyly to herself. She just had to _appear_ to talk to an animal. Selecting one of the puppies provided, she pretended to half a mental conversation with it-which is actually harder than it sounds. Standing up, she forced a smile "Done." The camera people shake their head.

"What? You can't say I didn't." Looking at one another, the camera people hold up signs reading, "You selected a non-blood puppy."

Hissing, Hekatah stamped her foot, muttering under her breath as she grabbed the puppy Jaenelle talked to. Rolling their eyes, the camera people finally let the next Light contestant go: Greer. Greer reached the other end with speed much better than Karla's. Karla, however, had already started the challenge: eating 10 orange flavored popsicles.

"Yes!" Greer says, not bothering to sit down while he started eating. Karla, already done with six, wasn't too worried, but as time drew on, he appeared to be catching up considerably. Finishing at the same time, the next contestants took off: Surreal and Leland. Thinking that this would be a piece of cake, Surreal reads off the challenge before Leland is able to catch up.

"Oh, you gotta be shitting me," Surreal says groaning. Who the hell thought up making fork-naming a challenge? Looking down at the seven works set out, she sighed, trying to remember the name of every fork. Hell's fire, she wasn't aristo. Leland, when she finally caught up, named off the forks with no hesitation. Phillip then took off, running pretty fast. Cheating and listening to what Leland said, Surreal finally completed her challenge, and Falonar took off. Phillip had already started the challenge: cleaning an Eyrien war blade properly. At first confused, Phillip managed to pull off a half-ass decent cleaning job, and Alexandra took off. Falonar quickly completed the task, but wasn't fast enough to catch up completely. Once the challenge was completed, Daemon took off.

The challenge: Naming off the territories of Kaeleer. By the time Daemon reached the end, Alexandra was practically finished. By the time he was half way through, she was done. Hissing that he had been cheated with such a simple challenge, he went off to have a Warlord-Prince sulk.

Saetan finally goes down to greet them, but stays at a far distant to avoid any possible flying objects.

"Congratulations, Light Team," he says sighing, wondering how the Shadow Team was able to lose. "I'll see the Shadow team at the Tribal meeting tonight."

Cue Survivor theme music.

Next time on Survivor:

Who will go home?

How do the contestants cope with the decision?

Be sure to vote and tune in next time.


End file.
